A Working Solution!
by Aegisdi
Summary: SAVE YOURSELF! Don't read this! I'm amazed folks are still reading this work after I horked it up. It's a practice romance/fluff piece that I tried to make work, but it just came across as dark and miserable. Epic Fail. I'll get back to it soon to try to fix it, once I'm done with my other Fan-Fic The Measure of a Mammal.
1. The Research Project

**Summary:**

Nick and Judy enjoy some extracurricular activities. Unbeknownst to them them, they have a secret admirer!

* * *

Officer Judy Hopps yanked on Officer Nick Wilde's tie, dragging him into Auxiliary Supply Closet #3. ZPD officers rarely came down to the sub-basement of ZPD headquarters, as there wasn't anything down here except for the water boilers and the janitorial supply closets, which were only used by the cleaning staff during the night. They were safe to recreate down here, and she could finally get that itch that had been bugging her all day scratched!

"Carrots, what are… _murmph..._" Nick's protests were cut short as she grabbed his collar with one paw and his muzzle with the other, pulling his lips to hers. She opened her mouth, and shoved her tongue in between his lips, licking along his canines. She broke off the kiss and gazed at him with smoldering eyes, her ears flushed and laid down the back of her head.

"What am I doing, Officer Wilde? Is that your opening line for this interrogation?" She grinned up at him, "I would have thought that it was blazingly obvious what I'm doing. I'm in heat, and I need you NOW!" She kept one paw on his tie, and used the other to unbuckle her duty belt, letting it drop to the floor. She unsnapped her pants, and yanked the zipper down. Transferring his tie to her teeth, she pushed her pants down off her butt and legs, kicking them of her spatted feet, before climbing up on the rolls of toilet paper stacked in the corner. She laid on top, her legs spread as she hooked her feet around his waist.

Nick whined, "Come on, Judy, not again! I've got paperwork to do! Bogo's gonna yell at me if I don't get it turned in before shift end. We can do this when we get back to your place!"

Judy rolled her eyes at her fox's dramatic act. She could tell by his scent what he really thought of all this, but right now his yapping was getting on her nerves, "If you're going to wag that tongue, it better be used for a more constructive purpose!" She pulled on his tie, dragging his face, and more importantly his muzzle, into her crotch. Pushing down on his nose, she promised him, "Take care of me, and I'll help you with your paperwork!"

He sighed, defeated by his amorous bunny. He opened his muzzle, darting his tongue out for a quick taste of her folds. He was grateful that she really liked oral at this time of day, because after the last three nights with three complete rounds of shagging each, he wasn't sure if his overtaxed male bits weren't about to shrivel up and fall off.

He put both elbows on the stack of toliet paper rolls, running his paws up under her vest and shirt, as he settled in for a long feast. Judy responded to his caress by locking her feet in behind his head and moaning a long grateful sigh…

In the far corner of the room, a dark eye watched, it's little red tell-tale blinking dimly.

* * *

Clawhauser sat at his desk, chewing on his knuckles as he watched the screen. Chief Bogo had assigned him to figure out which joker on the force kept vandalizing the toiletry supplies. The boss had had enough of the maintenance workers complaining, and had transferred his ire to the poor Sargent, who was left with the enviable task of scanning through hours and hours of boring footage covering the supply closets.

Well, boring right up until he finally figured out who the culprits were: his two best friends on the force! _O.M.G!_ And they were doing it again, right now, on the live feed! Nick was going to town on the moaning bunny, and she was loving every minute of it. Clawhauser knew that any moment now the two of them were going to transition to the "Insert Tab A into Slot B and Repeat" stage of things, and he had seen on the previous footage just how that energetic activity was crushing the poor toilet paper rolls. He supposed the rolls cushioned Judy's body, so that Nick's pelvic assault didn't break her hips, although from listening to her screaming Clawhauser couldn't tell if she liked it, or if it really did hurt. He supposed she must like it, because she kept doing it with the larger fox, down in the supply closet.

His eyes flickered up to the top balcony. Any minute Chief Bogo was going to lean over and demand an explanation, and he was going to have to give one. He couldn't lie to the Chief, not the Chief, but he also didn't want to get his two friends in trouble, even though fraternization in the ranks was strictly prohibited in the ZPD!

Oh, what was he gonna do?

* * *

_Next week: Chief Bogo enlists the Mayor's help with a very "sticky" situation!_


	2. The Bull and the Boar

**Summary:**

Clawhauser finally shares his reseach project with his boss, who gets a real eyeful! Out of his depth, and restraining his impulses, he seeks wise counsel from Mayor Swinton's office.

* * *

Chief Bogo sat at his desk, drinking his 5th coffee for the day, notating on arrest reports with a pencil. There was a quiet knock in the door and he boomed out, "Come!" Sargent Clawhauser opened the door, shuffling in, a small object held in his paw. Bogo looked up and asked, "Yes? Success?" But Clawhauser's expression as he stared at the floor gave Bogo pause. Clawhauser held the object, a USB thumb drive, out to Bogo. Bogo took the stick and asked, "What's on this?"

Clawhauser replied miserably, "Why don't you just watch the clips, sir? I think that will answer your questions."

Frowning, Bogo opened his laptop and stuck the USB stick into the side. Transferring his pencil to the other hoof, he pulled up a menu of options on the screen. It was a series of video clips listed by timestamps, so he just clicked on a random clip. It started to run, voices calling out on the speakers.

"_Oooooooooo Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!"_

"_Ohhhh God, Carrots! I'm so close!"_

His frown disappeared as his eyes popped open, his jaw dropping down with a clunk. He paused that video, and scrolled down to open another one. It started to play.

"_You beast! You savage beast! Give it to me NOW!"_

"_Stop squirming, you silly piece of fluff! I can't do that if you keep moving!"_

The pencil, straining in Bogo's hoof, finally snapped. Clawhauser jumped at the sound. Bogo paused that video as well. Dropping the pencil halves, he put his head into his hoofs. Rubbing his face vigorously, he looked at them. Closing his laptop, but without looking up, he said, "Thank you, Sargent Clawhauser, that will be all. I will handle this from here."

Clawhauser shuffled back out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. Bogo stared at his desk for a moment, before slamming both hooves down and bellowing, "DAMN IT!"

Damn those two! They were two of his best officers, and also the source of his biggest headaches. But this? He couldn't ignore this! This was inexcusable; a clear violation of ZPD regulations! He had no choice but to immediately fire them both. But as the top ZPD officers in his precinct, they had far too high a profile for him to do that quietly. If he fired them now, without explanation, the press would notice, the papers would write about it, the police union would object, and IA would launch an investigation.

The last thing he needed right now was an IA Investigation; those jackals were always looking for the tiniest excuse to tear into his hide. But what was he going to do? He didn't have an answer to this quandary.

He stared at his desk, and his eyes were drawn to his phone. He needed advice, and since this situation had the potential to blow up in the government's collective face, he might as well go straight to the top with it!

He picked up his phone and called the Mayor.

* * *

"Mr. Mayor, thank you for meeting with me on such short notice." Bogo strode into Mayor Swinton's office.

"Of course, of course!" The boar exclaimed, "Anything for the esteemed Police Chief of Precinct One. What can I do for you today, Chief Bogo?" He smiled across his desk at the agitated bull, who handed him a USB stick. The mayor took it, and gestured for the bull to sit while he inserted it into his computer. A list of video files popped up on his screen without explanation. "What am I looking at here?" he asked Bogo.

"Just click on any one of those files, Mr Mayor." Bogo replied.

The Mayor nodded, and clicked on a file to play. As it did so the Mayor slowly tilted his head, "Well, he certainly has a commendable amount of vigor, and she's, well..."

"Loud." Bogo finished.

Mayor Swinton shut down the video, leaning his clasped hooves on the desk and smiled at Bogo, "I will admit that I have perused pornography on occasion, but I never expected to do so in an official capacity. Plainly, judging by the police uniforms those mammals wear, these two officers have been caught in clear violation of your ZPD's fraternization rules, which plainly spells out what the punishment for these actions is. What seems to be the problem, Chief Bogo?" He asked sweetly.

"Do you recognize those officers, Mr Mayor." Bogo asked.

"But of course. Everyone would recognize those two fine, upstanding, and enthusiastic officers."

"They're the problem." Bogo pointed out.

"So fire them! That seems simple enough." the Mayor responded.

Bogo ground his teeth for a moment, before he spelled out his problem. "If I fire them quietly, the press will notice, the unions will throw a fit, and IA will launch an investigation. If I fire them publicly, the press will have field day, and the citizens will demand my head, and IA will launch an investigation. If I force them to resign, the unions will throw a fit, the courts will slap me silly for denying them their due process, where at which point IA will launch an investigation." He took a deep breath, "Anyway I play this, they lose their badges and I lose my sanity in the ensuing IA investigation."

"And you came to me? Why?" Swinton asked him.

"I was hoping you might have a non-standard solution for this problem that I hadn't considered." Bogo quietly pleaded with the pig.

Swinton raised a brow before responding, "So… You need a way to get them to resign from the ZPD, quietly and without a fuss, in such a manner that neither the press nor the public will care, and IA won't see a problem?"

Bogo held his breath before answering, "Yes..."

Swinton thought for a moment, before a grin spread across his face. He pulled two files out of his drawer and laid them flat on his desk.

He turned to Bogo, "Alright, let's start with the fox..."

* * *

Next Chapter: The fox is deep in the pigpen mud!


	3. The Fox is in the Pigpen

**Summary:**

Officer Nick Wilde attends a meeting with Mayor Swinton. He thinks that he's there to give his opinion on some videos, only to find out the videos are of him and Judy, engaged in some serious hanky-panky. He's not gonna be able to talk his way out of this one. But the Mayor isn't through yet, cause he's got a solution that will save the ZPD career of one of the two officers. Only one though, and Nick has to choose which one it will be: Him or Judy.

* * *

"Officer Wilde! How good it is to finally met you! Chief Bogo has told me so much about you." Mayor Swinton came around his desk to shake the officer's paw vigorously.

"It's an honor, Mr. Mayor." Nick fought to extract his paw from the overly enthusiastic pig's grip.

Swinton just smiled as he put his hoof on Nick's back and guided him to a chair across from his desk. Bogo came up behind them, and took the other chair, while Swinton sat back down behind the desk. He smiled across at the fox before speaking, "Did the good Chief mention why I asked to see you?"

Nick glanced quickly at Bogo before he answered, "He said something about public service announcements and you wanting my opinion."

Swinton nodded his head, "Yes, yes. We have some preliminary video recordings, and I wanted your opinion before we proceeded any further. I understand, from the media interviews that you have given in the past, that you were a mammal of the street before you became a ZPD officer, correct? I felt you might be the best mammal to ask since you could speak to both sides as to what their reactions would be to these announcements."

_Ah! Now this makes more sense,_ Nick thought. "Yes sir, I was. I would be happy to give you my feedback."

"Good, good! Let's start with this one, shall we?" Swinton swung his monitor around, as a video began to play.

Nick squinted at the dark scene, before the overhead lights came on. He was confused at what he saw at first, a storage closet with pallets of boxes and shelves of supplies, but he sat up when he saw himself being pushed up against one of the pallets by a much smaller ZPD officer – Judy. She began to kneel down in front of him.

Nick's eyes got really wide as he realized what he was seeing, _Oh SHIT! _He glanced up at the Mayor, who was watching him intently, a slightly unpleasant grin on his face. He quickly lookup up at Bogo, who stared stonily back at him.

He turned back and hurriedly exclaimed as the video continued to play, "Mr Mayor, please, I can explain..."

Swinton interrupted him softly, "All 22 recordings, Officer Wilde?"

Nick's quick explanations froze on his tongue, as his thoughts clotted to glue inside his mind.

Bogo spoke for the first time, "Some mammal kept shredding the packs of toilet paper rolls, and getting… fluids on them. We had to throw out about a pallet's worth over the past few months. I got sick of the janitors complaining, so I put in some cameras to catch the vandals, and this is what I found."

Nick glanced down at his paws, turning them over to look at his claws.

Swinton continued, "Now Officer Wilde, the Zootopia City Employee Handbook clearly states that a mammal's right to the Freedom of Association is not to be restricted in any way. Hence, had you and Officer Hopps chosen to conduct your intimate relationship outside of the ZPD during your own personal time, we would not be having this meeting. But that wasn't the choice you two made, so now you have run afoul of the flip side of that Handbook that states that the City employees who do engage in such relationships must remain **professional** at all times during their regularly scheduled shifts."

"Engaging in sexual liaisons **during** your duty shifts when you should have been working on your ZPD cases, **and** destroying ZPD property in the course of those liaisons is hardly the hallmark of a professional ZPD officer, in my opinion. Wouldn't you agree, Officer Wilde?" Swinton pause, holding his hoof out to Nick.

Nick only nodded numbly. _Oh… Shit. We are so fired._

"Now, ordinarily, Bogo would have been well within his authority to fire you both and show you two the door. But, because of the exemplary record that the two of you have shown in the service of this city, he was hoping that there might be another solution that he could use to address this thorny issue, and so he came to me for help. I believe that I might indeed have such a solution, but it will require some permanent changes be made in order to be effective, and that you two officers be willing participants in those changes."

He steepled his hoofs as he leaned forward, "Plainly, the two of you can no longer work professionally together in the ZPD, and as such your current police partnership must be dissolved. Now, I must warn you that the particular solution that is currently on hoof is limited to saving the ZPD career of only one officer. Just one. That officer must either be yourself, or be Officer Hopps. You get to choose, Officer Wilde."

There was never even a moments hesitation as Nick responded, breathing out, "Judy..." _Her ZPD career is everything to her! She's worked for it since she was just a nine year old kit. Damnit! I'm not worried about me. I can take care of me. I'm just upset I won't be able to be there for her as she works through all this alone. _

"I though so," the Mayor replied, pleased that he had guessed right about starting with the fox. "Officer Wilde, I will need two things from you in order to bring my solution about. First, I need your resignation, in writing, signed without reservation. And secondly, I need you to sit through one more meeting with me, a meeting that will be far less painful than this one has been, I promise you."

Nick nodded with a sigh as he surrendered and asked, "Where do I need to sign?"


	4. Filling Sandbags

**Summary:**

Nick's willing to resign to save the career of his favorite rabbit, but Mayor Swinton has another idea entirely. The Parks and Wildlife department needs a new ranger with ZPD experience, and would he be interested?

* * *

Swinton took a piece of paper out of a folder on his desk and slide it along with a pen across the desk towards Nick. Nick picked up the pen and paused for a moment. He looked back up at Swinton, "She's not going to be sent down to Records, is she?" Records was barely one step above Parking Duty.

"Oh goodness no!" Swinton shook his head. "I said I would save her career and I will. She'll be given a post that will be appropriate for her experience and enthusiasm. I give you my word." Swinton laid his hoof over his heart.

Nick wasn't sure he believed the word of a politician, but he wasn't in a position to argue at this point. His other choice was being fired from the ZPD, and Judy with him. That would devastate her and he couldn't allow that to happen to his rabbit!

He signed his name at the bottom of the page, but when he went to date it, he noticed that the date line was covered over with a sticky note. "I can't put the date on this," he pointed out to Swinton.

Swinton reached across the desk, and took the sheet back, "That's quite alright, Officer Wilde." He slide the paper back into it's folder, and put his hoof on top, "Please note, Officer Wilde, that while I have accepted this document, it lacks a date and as such it cannot be used as an official resignation. As such, Chief Bogo cannot officially accept it."

Nick furrowed his brow, and glanced over at Bogo, who just held up his hooves and shrugged. Nick flicked his gaze back at the Mayor, who grinned back at him. _Wait a minute! I know a con when I see one! What's going on here? _He asked himself, a frown forming on his muzzle.

Swinton turned to Bogo and asked, "Chief, Why don't you send the Director on in?"

Bogo nodded as he stood and left the room, watched by the Mayor. In just a few moments, a new mammal entered the office. The Mayor stood and greeted them, "Welcome Director Windslow!" Nick stood and turned to find a tall moose bull dressed in a khaki short sleeved uniform with a green ball cap perched between his horns, his uniform name tag stating that he was the Director of Zootopia's Parks and Wildlife division, Winston Windslow.

"Have you met ZPD Officer Nicolas Wilde before, Director Windslow?" The Mayor asked.

"We've not met, but I've heard a lot about you, Officer Wilde," Windslow held out his hoof to Nick and smiled, who took it in paw and shook it, returning the smile.

Swinton waved at the chairs, "Sit, sit! Please." as he sat down as well.

After they had seated themselves, Swinton began, "I understand your current law enforcement liaison is retiring, correct?"

Windslow nodded, "Yes sir. She wants to spend more time with her grandkids. That's why I've submitted a request for a younger and more active ZPD officer who might be willing to transfer over to my department, but I've not heard back from the police commissioner yet."

Swinton sat up, "Oh, really? Why the need for youth, Director?"

The moose took a deep breath before starting, "I'd like the liaison to go out into the field with my rangers more often, and get a better understanding for some of the issues we're facing now, so that they can better communicate with the City and County law enforcement agencies."

Nick had already figured out Swinton's game plan, but he really didn't have an objection. Being an L.E. liaison for a bunch of park rangers wasn't such a bad idea, and this way he could still interact with Judy on a professional level as well as their personal relationship. It certainly beat getting fired for actions unbecoming of an officer.

He turned to the moose, "What issues might those be, Director?" Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a slight smile ghost across the Mayor's face.

The moose replied, "We're having more problems with street gangs moving into our open spaces and setting up grow operations, as well as ongoing mammal smuggling into the city, to name just a couple. My rangers can do search and rescue, track wildlife, practice conservation, and conduct public tours. But give them a pile of empty plastic jugs in the wilderness, and they don't know if it's just a pile of trash or a crime scene. I mean, they usually have some idea, but I'd still like a mammal with more current street knowledge who can advise them."

Swinton nodded, "Well, Director, Officer Wilde here is in between assignments, I believe, according to Chief Bogo. His partner is being transferred to another assignment that precludes her having a partner at this point, so he is currently available, if you would like." He turned to face Nick, "Would that work for you, Officer Wilde? Or would you prefer that we discuss other options with Chief Bogo?" His hoof drifted towards the folder laying on his desk.

Nick, acknowledging the sand bag falling toward his head, wryly grinned and shook his head. "When do I start?" He asked them both.

* * *

"Ranger Nick Wilde, really?" Bogo asked after Windslow and Wilde had left the Mayor's office.

"Well, they had to be split up, and you really didn't want to fire him, so the request for a younger law enforcement liaison from Director Windslow made the most sense, no?" Swinton thought his logic was perfectly reasonable. "And now that he's out of the way, we can move on to your other officer."

Bogo grimaced, anticipating a splitting headache from dealing with the headstrong rabbit.

Swinton waved a hoof at him, "Don't worry, Chief Bogo. I know just how to talk to Officer Judy Hopps." The swine grinned, "This will all work out just fine!"

* * *

**Author Notes:**

If it seems that Nick rolled over to easily, we will find out why once we get to the next two chapters where the Mayor deals with Judy.

It all comes down to that IA investigation that Bogo is so desperate to avoid that he would go to a political swine like the mayor for help.

As for folks who like to post anonymous reviews, please, please, get an account for FF. That way I can address your comments privately instead of publicly. And I can't delete your review - evar! :)

* * *

Because I **horked** up and already added a review on chapter 4 (Which I can neither **edit my posted review**, **delete my posted review**, or **add a new review** on _**MY OWN WORK**_ once I've placed one up) here is what I posted:

**Wildehopper** – **I am so sorry**. The deletion was **not** intentional. I was trying to edit or delete my own comment (like I can on A03), which had spelling errors and missing words, and I accidentally delete yours (ACK!). I've posted them back here. It's not my practice to delete or remove critical comments – if that was the case, I would have removed all of Wildebunny_the_Eternal's comments long ago. I'm more used to the comment system over on A03 where I can edit my own posts for clarity, remove my rants, or block out spoilers. Please, please, comment away!

Actually, the commentators do have a point – I'm not funny, humorous writer. And that's okay! I do tend to be more dark and tortured as a writer; even my humor is fairly dark, as evidenced by the jokes in The Measure of a Mammal. I started writing this as a practice piece, as an attempt at a humorous Wildehopps story that was short and sweet, and it quickly got derailed, sliding horribly downhill.

Dakzoo's most recent comments to me on this was: "It's good to know your strengths. But the only way to get better is to work on your weaknesses. These two chapters did a better job of not painting Bogo as out to get Nick and Judy, but I worry that still won't be picked up by a lot of readers. Also your best joke in four chapters was in chapter two when Bogo simply described Judy as 'loud'."

So if the writer who knows my work best say's my jokes need work, I believe him. I'm not going to post anymore until Dakzoo has a chance to comment on them via the DocX – but he's got enough on his plate trying to finish up his story over on A03, so it might be a while before I can convince him to help me.

Wildehopper:  
Ch.3 was cringey. I get that Nick loves Judy, but he loves being a cop too. Him signing so quickly before talking to his partner felt wrong. It honestly feels like he gave up. And I hate how it seems that Bogo and the mayor won. Gonna wait to see how Judy handles it, but if she surrenders as easily as Nick did, I'm out

wildehopper:  
I guess Ben never heard snitches get stitches...  
When Bogo tried to fire Judy in the movie it didn't work out for him, so I hope it doesn't work out for him this time either.  
Also this has the potential to become super hilarious if Nick & Judy catch wind of what is going on and thwart all of Bogo and the Mayor's attempts to fire them. Rooting for my fave Fox and Bun! (also Judy suffers enough if your other (wonderful) story, so please take it easy on her in this story!)


End file.
